Time Passes -- Transparent Moments

I have had an odd series of emotional ups and downs recently, I think today, I am finally understanding them. As I take time to reflect back, I realize that this time of year has a variety of memories/moments that I now associate with it, some aren't always at the surface level, but this morning, I think I get it, I see it all... and more importantly I can now process through it, prayerfully finish release the painful part of it.

The beautiful part of this, the wonderful memories and moments... going back to Feb 14, 1980, 44 years ago on Valentines Day of my Senior year of High School. That was the day Glenn showed up at my house with a bouquet of flowers, and the card that said, "Will you be my steady Valentine?" (I know I've shared that part before.) We had been introduced 6 months before, just before my 17th birthday, an introduction that was going to begin our lives on an amazing journey. Short story on the next 30 years: The financial ups and downs, crazy life moments, blessings of 4 kids, the grandkids and most importantly learning to walk with the Lord and stay steady on that walk. That walk is what enabled us to face everything that came along.

Now to the beginning of the pain; 12 years ago, this month we knew something was wrong... we didn't know exactly what, but we knew there was some sort of challenge that we would face, but we were determined to face it together with the Lord as our anchor. A month later in March of 2012 we found out the deadly giant we were facing. We faced it with our eyes open and yet the determined faith that we believe in a miracle working God. The next 14 months were difficult ones, full of ups and downs, victories and then the pain of loss.

Next in the cycle of this time of year, it was Feb of 2013 that the doctor began to try to prepare us for what he saw was coming soon. The chemo was no longer working. Well, both Glenn and I, being naturally stubborn knew that we wouldn't give up fighting the good fight for Glenn's healing until he was healed, or home with the Lord. Well ultimately Glenn lost the battle here on earth but we did have a miracle, the fact that Glenn had lived about 13.5 months longer that the doctors had hoped for. And I know that He has been with the Lord since he left me on May 4th of that year. 

Forward 5 years to February 2018, I get a call that my dad wasn't doing well, I contact all my siblings and we converge to see him, for the first time in decades we were all together. It was a time of healing for my dad. He didn't pass then but about 2.5 months later at the end of April, he passed.

As I reflect on these things, it gives me a path through, I have processed a lot through these years but, there were still a few things open that I didn't realize, and they have allowed a "funk" of sorts to settle in every year. I will prayerfully get victory over that funk and move on from it. Not that I will ever forget those moments, but I will focus on the good that has come into my life since them and in spite of them.

My decision is to focus on the fact that what it says in Romans 6:28 is true. I have said over the years that there grief is like waves at the ocean, I feel like I have finally found a way to see the 'sneaker' wave and stop it from flattening me emotionally. To relate, to another analogy of grief... the polished stone. I have finally found a way to take the the rough rock of grief, now polished with time, out of the tumbler and look upon the beauty of it without pain from the rough edges-- they are gone.

May all of you that have gone through anything similar, also gain the victory from the lesson of the polished stone.

Separating the Heart From the Chaff

 Many of us have heard the parable of the wheat and the tares; they look alike when the plants are small but as they grow, the difference becomes more evident. The chaff, is part of the wheat plant, and it must be sifted for the grain to be used.

I have been pondering this intensely lately, wheat and chaff. When we think of wheat, we think of the wheat hearts that are used to make flour, the excess that surrounds that wheat heart is the husk and the stems, basically, chaff is the inedible parts of a grain-producing plant. And this is what is taking up a lot of my thought process... at some point the wheat and chaff MUST be separated. I believe that we are beginning to see this on the national stage at this time, but it is important to take a look at ourselves and make sure that the chaff in our own lives and walk with the Lord is sifted and allow our heart to be what remains.

The winnowing process requires thrashing the wheat and involves throwing the mixture into the air so that the wind blows away the lighter chaff, while the heavier grains fall back down for recovery. In the natural the chaff gets blown away... think about it, it's not heavy enough to stay put, even a light breeze can blow it away. The wheat heart can withstand stronger wind, because it's solid. It is the good part that can be used. In the spiritual, the chaff is what gets in the way of our walk with the Lord and what I want to see in my life is to have that chaff blown away, I want what GOD wants in my life... not the distractions.

Much like the difference between having a life built on sand, as opposed to one that is ANCHORED on the Rock, Christ Jesus. There is a difference. Like the chaff, sand will sift and move, but a rock stands firm.

So I guess where my mind sits, is for those who call themselves Christians. Are you wheat or chaff? The last few years have certainly been 'breezy' so to speak, and the question is, are you closer to the Lord in your walk, or have you been blown out a ways? This is something that we all have to think about. In a time that many churches closed up, and then stayed that way, we saw many around us have their faith challenged in a way that none of us ever expected. It has became a time where the 'habit' of church on Sunday was thrown seriously out of alignment. In many ways, the tossing of the wheat began.

As you look back over the last few years you can view it another way; In our spiritual life, when the rubber hit the road what happened? Did it spin like a bleach burn out? (All show no go.) Did it spin out of control and off the track? Did it fishtail a bit but then get back on course? Or was the driver in control enough to grip instantly and keep going forward, and maybe even gain position.

Each person must look at their own walk with the Lord, for we will ALL (Christian or not) answer to Him for what we do. Do we press in, and see what the Lord tells us to do, or do we let men tell us what is "right". Many of the things that the media says are right are diametrically opposed to the Word of God. The world has a different standard than the church. The Lord is the final say in my life, I choose to follow what HE tells me over the media.

Call me old fashioned, square, too churchy, whatever, I really don't care about what people think, as long as they can tell that my first priority is what God thinks of me. Yes, I want to be a wheat heart!

When Life Takes a Pause Moment

I actually started this post in March and forgot to post, some things have been changed, but really the heart of things is still where I'm at.

I've been sitting here pondering a lot of things over the last couple months... hasn't everybody?

Decisions I've made, if I had known 4 months ago what was going to happen, would I have made the same choices about things. Maybe I would have, and maybe I wouldn't. It's hard to look back and guess. The reality, we only can make decisions on what we know, right now.

Right now, we can chose to cower, and live in fear. Or we can chose to trust God, and walk in faith, using wisdom in the days ahead. This has meant, stepping back in our life and doing our part to flatten the curve. This required what we thought would be a 2 week hold on our lives becoming 2 months before we could even begin to get back to 'normal life.' 

I was among the unemployed due to the virus and it's restrictions and my little home based business works about 90% with restaurants so it went almost silent also. I was lucky, I was able to get unemployment, but I will be honest, I am very happy to be back at work, even though it is very different.

We all faced a lot of time on our hands, separation from those we care about, and loneliness, especially, for those, that like me, are in a house with no other human beings to talk to, it has been incredibly hard. And for me, the anniversary of Glenn's passing really amplified the quiet of my house. It physically hurt, I'm not gonna lie. All people need the human touch, that's the way God designed us. 

I am thankful that we are blessed by the fact that we live in a day and age where this kind of thing doesn't have to leave us totally cut off though, we can chat with friends, by phone, texting, messaging or one of many forms of video chatting. And though I haven't been able to sit on a pew since March, through livestream I have been able to join with others in watching services, prayer meetings and worship times online, these all bring joy to my heart.

One perspective of this event is to look at this time as a pause, one that allows us to look around and count our blessings. It has given us time to read or listen to the Bible, and spend some time in prayer. We can join worship services electronically, listen and/or watch preaching, live and recorded via the internet. Using this time to grow closer to God. Maybe this virus is really the Lord slowing us down to get that 20/20 vision in our life, and for our life. I am believing that I will come out of this stronger in my walk with Him.

My heart for each of you today, take a moment, and goodness knows even as thing begin to "reopen" for many, there are lots of "moments" available, so use them to rest in the Lord, and if you don't know the Lord, grab a Bible and start with the New Testament, Psalms or Proverbs and start learning about Him. If you don't own one go to blb.org and you can read it online or listen to it, there are a lot of versions, my favorite is NKJV.  Of course you can also ask me about Him or another person you know that has a relationship with the Lord-- most of us are more than happy to share the Good News of Jesus and what He did for us.

A final note here: In January I laid out some goals for myself that I posted in that blog... and I am happy to say that honestly, I am on track, not at the level I want to be, but much further in them than I might have been, had not the pruning of all of life's extra curricular activities happened- so in that case, maybe it was a good thing.

This thing's not easy, and I want to whine as much as the next person, and I have done my share of griping, but I began to consciously try to take those moments and refocus to prayer instead of complaint.- I still have a ways to go here.

I pray we all adjust to the "new" normal with hearts and ears that are ready to hear what the Lord speaks.

Have an amazing day and a Blessed week!