Time Passes -- Transparent Moments

I have had an odd series of emotional ups and downs recently, I think today, I am finally understanding them. As I take time to reflect back, I realize that this time of year has a variety of memories/moments that I now associate with it, some aren't always at the surface level, but this morning, I think I get it, I see it all... and more importantly I can now process through it, prayerfully finish release the painful part of it.

The beautiful part of this, the wonderful memories and moments... going back to Feb 14, 1980, 44 years ago on Valentines Day of my Senior year of High School. That was the day Glenn showed up at my house with a bouquet of flowers, and the card that said, "Will you be my steady Valentine?" (I know I've shared that part before.) We had been introduced 6 months before, just before my 17th birthday, an introduction that was going to begin our lives on an amazing journey. Short story on the next 30 years: The financial ups and downs, crazy life moments, blessings of 4 kids, the grandkids and most importantly learning to walk with the Lord and stay steady on that walk. That walk is what enabled us to face everything that came along.

Now to the beginning of the pain; 12 years ago, this month we knew something was wrong... we didn't know exactly what, but we knew there was some sort of challenge that we would face, but we were determined to face it together with the Lord as our anchor. A month later in March of 2012 we found out the deadly giant we were facing. We faced it with our eyes open and yet the determined faith that we believe in a miracle working God. The next 14 months were difficult ones, full of ups and downs, victories and then the pain of loss.

Next in the cycle of this time of year, it was Feb of 2013 that the doctor began to try to prepare us for what he saw was coming soon. The chemo was no longer working. Well, both Glenn and I, being naturally stubborn knew that we wouldn't give up fighting the good fight for Glenn's healing until he was healed, or home with the Lord. Well ultimately Glenn lost the battle here on earth but we did have a miracle, the fact that Glenn had lived about 13.5 months longer that the doctors had hoped for. And I know that He has been with the Lord since he left me on May 4th of that year. 

Forward 5 years to February 2018, I get a call that my dad wasn't doing well, I contact all my siblings and we converge to see him, for the first time in decades we were all together. It was a time of healing for my dad. He didn't pass then but about 2.5 months later at the end of April, he passed.

As I reflect on these things, it gives me a path through, I have processed a lot through these years but, there were still a few things open that I didn't realize, and they have allowed a "funk" of sorts to settle in every year. I will prayerfully get victory over that funk and move on from it. Not that I will ever forget those moments, but I will focus on the good that has come into my life since them and in spite of them.

My decision is to focus on the fact that what it says in Romans 6:28 is true. I have said over the years that there grief is like waves at the ocean, I feel like I have finally found a way to see the 'sneaker' wave and stop it from flattening me emotionally. To relate, to another analogy of grief... the polished stone. I have finally found a way to take the the rough rock of grief, now polished with time, out of the tumbler and look upon the beauty of it without pain from the rough edges-- they are gone.

May all of you that have gone through anything similar, also gain the victory from the lesson of the polished stone.

Fantastic Fall

I love fall!!

Everyone has their favorite season... for most it's probably spring or summer... for some it's winter, but as for me- I love the fall!

I enjoy the other seasons (for the most part) but I feel rejuvenated in the fall. Weird, I know. I just can't help myself, as the Lord begins to wave His paintbrush over the landscape my heart leaps. There is nothing that can match those colors, seriously!

God made each season unique, and to me the fall is the culmination of things.

Winter is the time of rest in many ways, most of the plants go dormant, the weather does it's best to keep us indoors. The daylight is less, we tend to be more willing to take time to be quiet... yes, like nature we know it's a season of rest.

Spring is a season of rejuvenation, new life is blossoming around us, it is a time to plant. Whether that is in the natural and we are preparing to plant our garden, or seeking the Lord to plant new dreams in our heart.

Summer comes with the warmth of the sun and longer hours of daylight, and this gives us time to play and allows the plants to grow.

Then comes fall and with it the wonder of the harvest... something that began months before with the turning of soil and planting of the seeds is now bursting for with produce.

I am reminded in this season that we also go through seasons, though they may not always align with the season of nature we are in at the time.

In my personal life I have seen seasons of winter, with it's darkness and sense of loss, I have gone through seasons of spring with new life and optimism... prayers of new dreams for my life.

Then comes a summer season... a time to rejoice in the beauty around us, maybe a trip to the coast to watch the ocean and ponder the power of the Lord. It is a time to allow the dreams that the Lord has put in our hearts to grow. To trust that, if He gave us the dream, He will bring it to pass.

But the best time of all, the one that is so exciting to come into, a fall season!! Sometimes we know when these are coming- maybe it's the completion of a project we have been working on. But sometimes, and these are the best, are those times of dream harvest... That moment that the Lord brings into being those dreams He gave us in that "spring" however long ago it was that we got the dream.

So back to the physical fall outside, yes, I love the colors, the sounds and smell of this time of year, what I really love is that I see it as the Lord's reminder that He will bring my life into it's season of harvest in His timing. And His timing is always best!

Grief and a Polished Rock

Recently I was cleaning out my purse and I reached in and grabbed what looked like a Milk Dud. I couldn't figure out where it had come from, lol. When I actually picked it up, I realized it was a polished rock.  Then I remembered where I had gotten it, it brought a wistful smile across my face.

Last year when a dear friend lost her husband I joined her in attending a Grief Share group, at the end of one of the sessions we were handed a polished rock.

This simple little rock was to remind us that grief is like a rock. When you pick up a rock from the ground it is rough, and craggy, and it can have sharp edges. However, when you put that rock in a rock tumbler it begins to smooth out, until it is so smooth, it almost seems soft, at least to me. Grief is like that, when it is new, it is sharp, raw and painful. Over time, it gradually becomes smoother, the bumps are fewer and the edges have become smooth and not sharp anymore.

Over time the grief process allows us to reflect back on the memories of the one we loved and see the beauty of the life they led, the times we spent with them, and all the little nuances that made them... well, them.

The timing of finding the rock in my purse, and recalling the lesson behind it was quite timely, I was having one of my 'bumpy' moments, the Lord knew just what I needed at that moment, I needed a rock.

As I think about this lesson, and hold this rock, I also reflect on another rock, it is the Rock that I anchor my life to, Jesus.

2 Samuel 22:2 And he said: “The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer;

Psalms 18:46 The LORD lives! Blessed be my Rock! Let the God of my salvation be exalted

Take the lesson of the polished rock, remember those rough places will smooth over time, they will become something beautiful.

Blessings!

Mary

Full Steam Ahead

My last blog gave a brief overview of last year, highs and lows.  From the loss of my dad, which was both a good and sad thing at the same time, followed by my trip to Australia & New Zealand, and ending with the loss of my job. Through all of it, I have to look back and say... Full Steam Ahead.

As each of us looks at our life, we often view it like a card game, we all have a different hand dealt-- it is up to us how we play it out. We can choose to dwell on the low cards or get so focused on the high ones that we forget that all will have to be played. What we need to do is to look at the full hand, and remember that this hand will play out and a new one dealt. Well it's January and time for a new deal, what it is, I haven't a clue, lol. But what I do know, is that I will not face it alone. I will play it through with the Lord right at my side.

I wish I could say that I never have doubts when I look forward, but that would be a lie. I am human, I deal with all the same emotions of fear, trepidation and dare I say depression that anyone else does, and sometimes I even get overwhelmed by them. However, it is at those points that I take a deep breath and adjust my focus, and remind myself that I am not in charge, I do have control over my actions, but not of those around me-- I choose at that point to trust the Lord. I need to remember to press in at those moments and listen... listen to the Lord and what He is telling me.

If I remember to listen, then I will remember that I have a great partner in the card game of life, His plays trump all. He is the author of all things and His word promises me that I will ultimately win, Salvation gives me that.

In the meantime, His word also lets me know that there will be good times and rough times to come in my future, but that is okay, He WILL be with me through it all. Knowing that, I know that I can look to my future with joy, so as I said earlier-- 2019 I will enter it like a ship on the ocean, going Full Steam Ahead.

Happy 2019!!

So Thankful, So Important!

Driving along today, I found myself almost in tears... but these were not the tears I have gotten used to dealing with; those are the ones that come from sneak attacks of grief and loneliness... Today's tears were from the most profound feeling of thankfulness!!

I was driving along, running an errand and all of a sudden I felt something familiar, tears, welling up-- but there was something different going on inside of me, it wasn't the sadness that is usually there when this happens, it was a different feeling. I was literally shocked to realize why the tears were welling up, they were coming from, for a lack of a better way to describe it, an overwhelming sense of deep thankfulness within.

I have tried to make thankfulness a big part of my life, but recently I decided to begin a journal that has one purpose-- recording the things in my life I am thankful for. The decision to do this had come after one of those other moments of tears, I decided that I was going quit allowing myself to wallow in my loss and to start changing my focus, I chose to go back to the time of losing Glenn to cancer, and start journaling those things that the Lord has done since I started this chapter of my life... and there are many!! (I may share more on that in the future.)

I know the reality, I will still have those other tears, but I am making an effort to take a life of thankfulness to the next level. I want more of those overwhelming moments of thankfulness to hit me. 

My encouragement to anyone, no matter what is happening, no matter how dark the moment, there is always something to be thankful for, it may be something very small-- maybe just the fact there is coffee for the coffee pot, or it could be something very big... but there is ALWAYS something to be thankful for!

Blessings!!

Mary

A.K.A - Prairiemouse 

The Trip No One Looks Forward To, But....

When we take a trip, it's something that we usually look forward to, or are at least excited about. Last week, however, I took a trip that no one looks forward to. It's a trip that you may simultaneously want to take and not want to take... but you never look forward to it.

The reason you don't look forward to it, is because it's the journey of the last good-bye.

How do I share all the things going through my heart and head... I knew it was coming, but I kept hoping that it wouldn't. It isn't that I haven't had time to prepare, I have had nearly 10 months, if I am honest with myself.

It was 10 months ago that my stepmom passed away, and at that point my dad felt that his job was complete and he was ready to go, anytime God was ready to take him. I know this, because he told me it at that time. I am the eternal optimist, and I wanted to think he would change his mind and that he would decide to try to gain strength. But at 91 years old he had made up his mind. He wasn't going to do anything to shorten his time, but he wasn't going to try to extend it, even though he knew if he exercised he could get stronger.

Let me share a bit of background--

I love my dad, and he has shared with me many times that he has felt doubly blessed in life. First, he was married to my mom for 40 years... the last 3 were spent watching over her as the demon of Alzheimer's stripped her to a mere shell of the amazing mom that I remember. He did his best to juggle taking care of her and running the small sewing machine store that was to be their retirement business (they had moved from my childhood home to Longview, WA just a few short years before she was diagnosed). Finally the disease had progressed far enough that she had to be moved to a nursing home... During her time there, my dad went and spent time with her everyday. On those rare occasions that he couldn't go, he saw to it that one of their friends could. Yes, he took care to make sure she had someone near that loved her. She went home to the Lord in 1994.

Forward 6 years, he meets Carol, an amazing woman, very different than my mom but such a perfect match for him. She literally saved his life during their courtship period by getting him to the ER where they gave him an IV of Antibiotic... if she hadn't taken him to the ER, then we would have lost him in about 20 years ago... instead, he was blessed with a 2nd marriage to a wonderful lady that I loved very much. We used to tease that it was an "online romance," they had 'met' online, in a Lion's chatroom. Though they did have real-life friends in common. They were married on a January day, and it brought a smile to my heart that my dad had found love again. (I pray that I am so blessed.) I was also blessed with a big sister through this union, and what a blessing she has been!!

During their marriage they traveled and lived, life together, They cared for each other, and when one was ill the other stepped up, including 3 years ago when my dad began to bleed internally and had to be resuscitated. - He woke up and thought, "Why is this guy beating me up?" He recovered from that and got better. When Carol began to grow more frail, I watched my dad, once again go into the mode of protector. He knew that the Lord was keeping him around to take care of her.

Now forward to the present... Once Carol had passed he then felt his job was done. Now he is ready to go, the same thing that almost took him 3 years ago, now has happened again, he is bleeding internally... this time he isn't worried about being here to take care of anyone. His only thought when I spoke to him 10 days ago was to let us know; If any of us wanted to see him, sooner would be better than later. This gave me my directive... make it happen!!

I had been planning on going up at the end of the month, but I then knew I needed to move my trip up sooner, or not be able to say good-bye to my dad. I also then began to do what I could to reach my 4 brothers. At the time of reaching out to everyone, they were spread over 3 states. My dad lives in WA and 2 brothers live in OR as do I, one brother was in AZ and one in AK. But I am so glad to say that they made it, everyone got there to say good-bye and spend some time with him. In addition, 6 of his  grandchildren and 5 of his great-grandchildren made it also. For the first time since the loss of our mother 24 years ago, all 5 of us were in the same place at the same time. My dad was so happy!! 

Even though he was tired during the time we were visiting, he was so happy to see everyone, he shared stories, and got a bit of one-on-one time with everyone. At times he was just simply happy to have everyone there and talking together. It was, a happy, crazy, loud, and sad time... and I wouldn't trade the ability to have that gathering for anything.

Yes, it was the trip that no one looks forward to, but they are happy that they make it. At least I am happy that I did.

I am now calling my dad everyday now, he sounds weaker by the day, and I know that, one day, very soon, he won't be there to answer. Until then, I will look forward to the sound of his voice one more time. 

When it's all over, I will have my memories of him. He was the man that taught me what love and respect were, and showed me the kind of man I wanted to marry, and I did. He demonstrated a life of service that I have tried to show my children. He and my mother, took us to church my whole childhood, a place where I first began to love God. As an adult, I no longer attend that church of my childhood, but church and the Lord are a major part of my life... It is the Lord first and everything else after that.

My parting thought here, you we need show those that you love how much you care when you can. And above all else, if you have a chance to do it... make "That trip."

Blessings!

Prairiemouse....

A.K.A Mary

Created By the Past, Not Ruled By It

2 Corinthians 5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.

In doing some reflecting lately I began to think about a saying I have heard, and have repeated at times. That saying: We are the sum total of our life experiences.  This is a true statement, however, we need to look beyond this statement to the future.

Some people continue forward in life and want to shift all responsibility for their decisions and actions to everything that took place in their past... I don't accept this.  Sadly society has accepted this, and even encouraged it, unintentionally I would hope. When people refuse to accept that they are responsible for their actions, and not all the events of the past, then they can move forward.

We all have those defining moments, or even series of events that we can allow to dictate everything that we do in life. Almost 4 years ago I lost the man that I loved since high school, he was part of my life for over 30 years. At that moment I had 2 choices, I could let his death put me into a "why me" cycle or I could make the choice to move forward and continue to live. That's what I did, I chose to move forward from the depth of a broken heart and walk forward into the future.

What that future is, I still don't know, but that's okay. What I do know, is that just like in years past, when something hurt me or angered me, as I chose to release it I would then able to move on to something good. Rom 8:28 tells me: "And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose." And that's what I have chosen to trust in. 

There is nothing positive to be found by blaming things on events, people or situations in the past or allowing them to birth bitterness in our hearts.

Pro 15:13 A merry heart makes a cheerful countenance,But by sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken.

Pro 17:22 A merry heart does good, like medicine,But a broken spirit dries the bones.

Luke 6:45 says “A good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart brings forth evil. For out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks."

I want to have a joyful heart, so I chose to release the past and let the Lord fill my heart with His goodness. I want to speak life!! 

Be Blessed!!

                           Mary... a.k.a Prairiemouse

Life's Moments and Snow Storm Reflections.

Right at this moment I am sitting in a hotel room, instead of at home where I really want to be. But things like this happen at times... the trick is learning to respond rather than react to them... If I am honest, today was a bit of both. I was calm and practical in my response, but I then found out that if I had done, what Glenn and I would have done when it was the two of us, that I would actually probably be there right now.... and that moment evoked a short term attitude reaction.

Now I am sitting somewhere where I am forced to be alone with myself, and my thoughts... no friends, or family to distract me, yes, there is Facebook, but that's not the same as being close enough to others that you know that you can physically get together if you need or want to.

The reason I am here? Snow storms... they have been hitting off and on all up and down I-5, and due to a closure of the freeway, that the troopers said would be 3-6 hours, I made the decision to stay in a hotel rather than wait and chance driving a potentially icy mountain pass. This was the practical response... then I found out that the closure only ended up being about an hour and a half long. Of course by then I had already checked in, and I was frustrated with myself for not having waited longer and trying to press through, that's what would have been what Glenn and I together would have done... but then again, he's not here, it's just me.

This adventure started a couple days ago when I made a decision to take a short unplanned trip to see my dad and stepmom. They are in their 90's and she is in the hospital, it was important to me to go and see them. The: "love them while they are still here," theory completely dominates me at times... probably more so since Glenn's passing, and when you are talking parents... you need to cherish them when you have them. I still can't believe that it's been nearly 23 years since my mother passed. Life is short, value those you love.

Because of this love, I took the chance and made a trip knowing the weather forecast for the weekend, I had great roads north and of course that put me in a good mood, in spite of the circumstances for the trip. Admittedly it's still weird to check into a hotel by myself, and I knew that there was the chance of an extra night by myself, but I didn't think it would happen. Yes, I was alone up there, but it was just the evening when I got there and the next day in the evening when I left the hospital... kind of like the time frame when you get home from work... but this, sitting in a hotel room, in a little town with no reason to be here and a lot of hours... not what I like.  I didn't really want to sit and watch TV, I also didn't just want to lurk on Facebook for endless hours.

So getting past my whining, some of which did end up on my Facebook page, I have taken a part of this time to look at myself, I realize that I need to learn better how to be by myself when I am far from my 'world,' I am taking part of this time to be transparent about the newest discovery that I have made since becoming the single me again. I honestly never had to face 'alone stuff,' until Glenn passed, because I went directly from my parents home, to my husbands and my home... No living alone, not even living in a college dorm. So it's all been a learning curve, and I feel I've done pretty good, but this... the silence, I really don't like it.

I have always been a verbal processer, when I am stressed, upset, worried, or happy I have always processed my feelings by talking... I was blessed with a husband that would talk with me, we always had the ability to have conversation... I remember once we missed a turn on the way home from Reno and ended up going 30 miles before we realized because we were just chatting. I still process out loud, I talk to myself and the Lord while I am in my car... A LOT! But it's not the same, this is the area I have had the most difficulty in adjusting to, and today I got smacked hard in the face with it.

I am really trying to enjoy my true alone time, really enjoy it, not just look for stuff to do to keep myself occupied until it's time to sleep... it's a process, but the realization is there, I learned some today about myself, and if I take the time, I will learn more and be able to rest more in the Lord during those moments.

Happy 2017 Everyone!!

Be Blessed!

PrairieMouse (a.k.a. Mary)

Rapids Suck. . . Thank You Lord for the Calms

As I said last time, I am thankful for the blessings in my life, they are many. What sucks is when a series of 'rapids' hits right in the middle of them.

It isn't easy to share from this side of my emotions, but I am sure that others go through this kind of thing, and it helps me to write about it.  I am also sure that the Lord motivated me to write it here for some reason. 

I have been truly blessed recently, I just got home from an amazing trip to Savannah, GA to see my niece graduate from college, and yes to see some sights... it was a trip that has left me longing to go again and really explore all the history of that area. Work has been good, and I have made some forward progress on some personal goals. I have had the joy of watching my oldest granddaughter dance in a wonderful ballet production.

And then the rapids... something in life triggers a series of emotions that you weren't planning on. Just when I think I am over the deep swings -- bam, one hits.

It has been one of those days, and when the rapids hit, they were a class 4.  It has been a long time since I had felt like I did -- heartache like it was yesterday that Glenn passed. Rapids are bumpy and they hurt, on the upside, they are often followed by calms.

And when the calm came, it came from an unexpected source. I was out in the yard pulling weeds- oh the joy, lol. Well, as I was in the front of my house, my elderly neighbor came out. He just recently had to put his wife, of nearly 67 years, into a Alzheimer's care facility. This sweet little old man, is heartsick and grieving the simple day to day absence of his love. As he was sharing with me about missing her, making daily visits to spend meals with her, how they met, and the Lord prompted me to share with him... You see, I get it, I understand his loneliness, and his fear of the future with out her, and the cruel beast Alzheimer's. (That's what took my mom.) 

We chatted for a bit, I shared a bit about my life the last 4 years, you see though we had spoken a few times, we hadn't really talked much. He was sorry that he hadn't met Glenn and didn't realize that Glenn was sick until he saw him in the wheelchair shortly before he died. We both shed some tears and some smiles as we talked. I gave him a hug, and he thanked me for the chat.

He was then off for lunch with his love, and I was back at my weeding... pondering again both the pain in my heart and the goodness of the Lord, He had used a little old man to help remind me that He is with me in my joy and my pain, this done as I spoke to him the scriptures that have been a strength to me, and I shared them with him to help my sweet neighbor gain some strength for his journey.

God is amazing and He is always present, and I am thankful for Him in my life. Yes, Rapids suck, but calms will always follow.

Peaks, Valleys and Pits

We've all heard it, and most likely said it; Time Flies!  Yep, it's true, it really does. Life moves forward no matter what. I am sitting here at my desk, realizing that it's been over 6 months since I have written a blog. I'm surprised at this, I was sure I had written more recently, I know I sat down to do it, several times... but, for whatever reason, apparently I didn't actually write.

Life can take so many turns and bring us to so many places, those places contain peaks, valleys and deep pits. Peak's are the high points, joyous happy times. Valleys, well that's what I call the day to day, fairly smooth places in life. And pits... yeah that's the very low moments. Over the last 3 years I have seen them all. The last six months have been mostly valley time. But there have been some peaks of varying heights and also some pits of varying depths. 

Overall I can look back at the last six months and be thankful for so many blessings!

Some of the peaks -

• I have transitioned completely out of Pizza Hut - a job that was right for the time I had it and I am thankful that it was available to step into when I needed it.
• I am now blessed to be a foodserver at The Teapot on Wheels - Working with friends that are like family, overlooking the beauty of the Rogue River, and meeting new people.
• Spending time with friends, enjoying coffee or lunches occasionally. - Something that may seem to not be a big deal to some, but to me, (and others that have been in similar circumstances in life,) a very big deal.
• A trip to the coast - short and sweet, so very needed and enjoyed. Also a chance to enjoy the company of my youngest son on the way home, just talking.
• And more closure this spring with the completion of the placing of Glenn's headstone. Nothing short of the Lord's hand on that one! Bittersweet but good.
• Enjoying my family.

A few pits along the way-

Pits, potholes, what ever you want to call them-- they are still there. There aren't so many of them now, but spring seems to be when I have the bulk of them. Probably tied to the significant dates that I try not to think about most of the time. Some of them are small, potholes, bumpy moments in my day; the times when a memory crosses my emotions and creates a few tears. Then there are the pits; the days that I still miss Glenn so much it hurts, I miss our conversations, and our quiet times... yeah, those are the moments that suck!

Admittedly, there are a few of the potholes that are actually a bit humorous from a twisted perspective... like when I am dealing with a computer issue that was in Glenn's area of expertise, and I give his picture a dirty look and tell him off for just a little while. Pointless in the real world, but it makes me feel better.

A walk in valley - 

My life still feels a bit sideways, but mainly that comes from missing Glenn and his part in my daily life. In all reality, it is busy, but has settled down so much. With the job change has come a stable schedule, I can plan around. I know when I can set appointments, run errands or just have a coffee. All these are very good things to be able to do. This is most days in my life, just normal, some easy, some a little crazy, but basically normal, life is good.

I am confident in the knowledge that the valleys will continue to be the greatest part of my life, I know that I will be blessed with more peak times and the joy that comes with them, and at the same time I know that there will be more pits, but they will be less often and not as deep.

One thing I know, something that is reinforced through all that I have gone through, with God's help, I will continue to see life's glass as half full on the hard days, not half empty. God really is good all the time!  Each day I begin to understand more fully. Ecc 3:1 To everything there is a season, ​​A time for every purpose under heaven. 

Time does fly, enjoy the flight, there will be turbulence but we can look past the bumps of it and know that we are heading toward a future that will bring new and good things.

Here's to a life lived in Faith and Hope! Remember with the storms are the Rainbows of Promise.

Blessings!               

PrairieMouse

a.k.a. Mary

Small Beginnings

Don't despise the day of small beginnings.

As I went out to my garden this morning, to gather some tomatoes, I was reminded of this basic principle of the Christian walk.

It's easy to look at our life from a microscopic view of what is going on at the moment... I have struggled in this at times over the last couple years... but at the same time I try to remember, what is going on 'right now,' is simply that- right now. There is a much bigger picture out there. 

Taken around Aug 10th

When I looked at my tomato plants in August, I wasn't sure how they would do, I had finally figured out how to keep them watered in the heat we were having. That was a huge improvement and they were growing. I thought they were almost as big as they would get, I mean, it was mid-August and they had taken so long to get to this point. But I was fine with it, there was a tomato- almost ripe, some small ones growing and quite a few blossoms. I was pleased with what I thought would be a nice amount of tomatoes, 

I had no idea that just a few weeks later these same plants would be so big that they would be causing the cages to fall over. (next year they will have better support!) I had no clue the true abundance of fruit (or veggies) that I would be getting from these plants. 

Sept 28th

But oh my goodness!! How they have grown. The poor little plants that I worked so hard to get to live through July, had spent August growing and now in September are putting out an amazing amount of tomatoes!! I had harvested a few a day before picking that bowl full this week, and then I gave some to my daughter in law, and there are still going to be a bunch more to pick before the season ends.

It was while I was picking those tomatoes that I began to think about life, my life in particular. Last year I felt like those struggling tomato plants that were in my garden, I was surviving, but a lot of the time I didn't feel like I was growing and I really haven't felt like I was thriving. But I know that the Lord is watching over me, I trust that He is with me and is guiding me, 

I am beginning to feel more like the early to mid-August plants now, I do see growth, I even see some fruit, though I may have to lift some leaves to find it hidden within. I even feel I have a few blossoms... and that is important, the blossoms are reflective of the life and fruit to come! So I will continue to press forward, having faith in Him that eventually I will look and feel more like the abundant plants of late Sept.

When we see a blank or partly done canvas in front of an artist, we don't know what that picture will look like when it is completed, only the artist understands the full picture that he is designing. In this case, the artist is the Lord and He has a masterpiece designed for each of our lives, we can only see the canvas that is near us, He already knows what the final work will look like. I look forward to seeing the masterpiece that He is painting just for me.

Remember, In The Dark, God Is There

2 Sam  22:9 “For You are my lamp, O LORD; The LORD shall enlighten my darkness."

Saw the news today, and it's all over my Facebook wall, Robin Williams is dead, and apparently by his own hand. Here is a man that, from the outside, had it all. He was talented, funny, successful, married to a beautiful woman and wealthy... and unfortunately consumed by depression. It is sad that he felt that his only way of escape was by his own hand. My heart breaks for him and others like him that have no hope.

I understand depression, I have battled it in the past and it tried to rear it's ugly head this last year. Depression is no respecter of persons. It doesn't care if you are a man or a woman, rich or poor, old or young. When it hits hard it can consume a person, it removes all the color from your life, removing the vibrancy from your life. Yes it is real, where it comes from... well there are the things that trigger it, drugs, situations, chemical imbalances, but in my opinion, it, like all other sickness is straight from the pit of hell. The medical community has drugs that they use to treat it, but have you seen the possible side effects?!? Including depression and thoughts of suicide. Does that seem counter productive to anyone else?

The first time I was hit with it, I had thoughts of suicide, but the Lord knew exactly what thoughts to give me to bring me back to rational thought. The next time, I didn't see it coming and it came in a much different form, first I just pulled back from things, I began to function enough to get through each day, but I did a lot of staring at walls and mindless things. That time I ended up in a doctors office, she told me that I had "situational depression," it manifested in the form of my back seizing up. She put me on low dose Prozac, I took it for a month, but about two weeks in as the 'fog' in my head began to clear I realized what I really needed was to get into my Bible. I never refilled that prescription, because the words on the pages of my Bible spoke to me, they got me refocused on God's love, the hope I had in Him; The hope, that I needed only to access.

Psalms 23:4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

The battle with depression, has never since then hit that low valley, because I have learned to recognize it, and battle it in prayer and with the word. There is a hope that can overcome the darkest of times, the hope that comes from the Lord. No matter how lonely a person is, no matter how isolated they allow themselves to become; either mentally or physically, God is there, and they need to remember that.

Romans 8:39 tells us that "nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." This knowledge helps to keep me trusting God and gives me hope for the future.

Hope is a precious commodity, it is one that all the money in the world can't buy, it is one that is readily available to all who want it. This abundant hope that I speak of, comes from a relationship with Jesus Christ. It comes from releasing our burdens and sins to Him and allowing Him to become Lord of our life. This relationship brings with it freedom. Does it mean that our lives will never have problems? No, but it means that He will be with us, to strengthen us and to carry us when we are feeling overwhelmed.

I am thankful for the day that I asked Jesus into my life, and I'm even more thankful for when I finally realized what it meant to make Him my Lord and not just my Savior. Through all the ups and downs of my life,  God's constant presence carries me and brings me peace in the storms. He is my Rock and my Anchor, now and always.


If you want to know more about a relationship with Christ, take the link to "Meet My Best Friend."

Sunsets, Day-breaks, & Awaiting a Glorious Unfolding

Psa 30:5(b) Weeping may endure for a night, But joy comes in the morning.

Lam 3:22-24 ​​Through the LORD’s mercies we are not consumed, ​​Because His compassions fail not.  ​​They are new every morning; ​​Great is Your faithfulness.  ​​“The LORD is my portion,” says my soul, ​​“Therefore I hope in Him!”

With the current heatwave we have seen some amazing sunsets in our area lately, I have been hearing the song by Steven Curtis Chapman; Glorious Unfolding a lot lately. The combination of these have begun to trigger some thought processes about sunsets, sunrises and life.

A little over a year ago, I watched as the sun set on my best friend/husband's life... and it felt in many ways that it was setting on mine too, I knew better but the heart feels what it feels. I put one foot in front of the other and pressed forward, some days better than others, but forward none the less. Today, 14+ months later, I continue that journey forward, thankful for a loving God who has been with me every step of the way!

A while back I started hearing the song, "Glorious Unfolding," on the radio, a lot. I started listening to the lyrics, and somewhere along the way I started HEARING them, again reminded that it was not my sunset last year, but rather the darkness before the dawn of what is to come. 

I wrote in my last blog that I have entered the next chapter of my life, I have come through the darkness and am moving into the sunrise... that glorious unfolding of what lies ahead. I had an amazing trip to Alaska and traveling home down the Alcan (Alaska/Canadian) Hwy. The beauty that I saw really was a reminder to me that God's fingerprint is everywhere, including my life and my heart. I really did get a refreshing break, I detached from work and was able to enjoy the journey.  

Enjoying the journey of life, a life lived in the Lord, that's what I want to do. Yes, the heart still aches, but at the same time, I know that I have more life ahead of me, and I am excited. Do I have a clue as to what it will look like? No. But I know that I have a Father in heaven that does, He has known since before I was born, and I know that I can trust him to open the doors each day that I am to walk through... this is only the beginning of my future.

Take a moment, if you haven't heard this song, listen to it...

Be Blessed!!

Mary

Lay your head down tonight
Take a rest from the fight
Don’t try to figure it out
Just listen to what I’m whispering to your heart
‘Cause I know this is not
Anything like you thought
The story of your life was gonna be
And it feels like the end has started closing in on you
But it’s just not true
There’s so much of the story that’s still yet to unfold

And this is going to be a glorious unfolding
Just you wait and see and you will be amazed
You’ve just got to believe the story is so far from over
So hold on to every promise God has made to us
And watch this glorious unfolding

God’s plan from the start
For this world and your heart
Has been to show His glory and His grace
Forever revealing the depth and the beauty of
His unfailing Love
And the story has only begun

And this is going to be a glorious unfolding
Just you wait and see and you will be amazed
We’ve just got to believe the story is so far from over
So hold on to every promise God has made to us
And watch this glorious unfolding

We were made to run through fields of forever
Singing songs to our Savior and King
So let us remember this life we’re living
Is just the beginning of the beginning

Of this glorious unfolding
We will watch and see and we will be amazed
If we just keep on believing the story is so far from over
And hold on to every promise God has made to us
We’ll see the glorious unfolding

Just watch and see (unfolding)
This is just the beginning of the beginning (unfolding)

Life Moves On --

It's been over a month since my last post... and what a month, the year of firsts is now completed, including the anniversary of Glenn's Celebration of Life and burial. I am ready to begin this next chapter. I am ready to take a deep breath and continue to move forward, I am ready for my heart to continue to heal and the waves of emotion to continue to smooth out.

This chapter is off to a good start-- beautiful weather, a garden planted (though we'll see how it does, lol), a new job on the horizon, and a very soon a trip to Alaska, followed by the relocation of my son and his family to the valley. Yes a very good start, I will soon have all of my children, and grandchildren living in the area and I am very thankful for that. 

Sometimes we need to learn to appreciate life; A game of golf with my son, a movie with one or both of my girls, an afternoon with a grandchild be-bopping around the house, a conversation on the phone with the kids, coffee with a friend, or any one of a million little things... the little things all add up to memories. Memories are precious, and the older you get the more you realize this.

Cherished memories are a way of looking back with a smile, not living in the past, but just a moment relived in our mind and heart. When someone you loved is gone, you no longer have the opportunity to sit and talk about the silly, or important things you did together. But the memory of those things at least allows for a moment of reflection and a quiet smile to cross your lips.

The last month has been a lot more of an emotional drain than I anticipated. I really felt that I would be more settled than I am emotionally. What has occurred has been an up and down time, kind of like a row boat in choppy waters. As the 1 year mark has passed, I have had some moments that, my memory gates opened up like flood gates, instead of the quiet release of a trickling brook. Don't mis-understand, the memories are wonderful! What it has stirred up is, the loneliness of not having Glenn here to talk with, whether about those memories or the moments of the current day to day- in a way that only he could really 'get.' He understood me like no one else, he really was my best friend and other half of me.

Last year was the chapter of closures, the initial shock waves of life without Glenn have past, and this year is the chapter of new beginnings.  I find myself really looking inward, and upward as I begin to contemplate, who I am. I am having to relearn who, "I" am, as opposed to who 'we' were, I still find myself using references to us, for present day, even though it's just me... this is hard.  But God is seeing me through.

I have always been somewhat of a "Pollyanna," and that's not such a bad thing. If you don't know the term it comes from the attitude of the title character in the novel by the same name. Pollyanna's philosophy of life centers on what she calls "The Glad Game", an optimistic attitude she learned from her father. The game consists of finding something to be glad about in every situation. It originated in an incident one Christmas when Pollyanna, who was hoping for a doll in the missionary barrel, found only a pair of crutches inside. Making the game up on the spot, Pollyanna's father taught her to look at the good side of things—in this case, to be glad about the crutches because "we didn't need to use them!"

As a young girl it came from a sense of security in the family around me, and yes a level of naivety. In my adult life it's more because I trust the Lord and what He says in his word. Romans 8:28 And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. And add to it Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. So, I think it's not a bad thing to be a Pollyanna.

 I am thankful that the Lord put this optimistic side into my personality, I want to be thankful in all things. I want to be a positive influence on the people around me. I want the Joy of the Lord to dominate my life. This is what helps me press through in the hard times; I will be honest, lately I have had some struggles with the area of depression, fortunately I recognized it for what it is and I am going to overcome. It's not that it's on me all the time, I refuse to allow that, but it hits and can hit hard. But knowing what it is, allows me to give it to the Lord, and battle it with prayer, the word and worship! And through God's strength, I will get the victory!

Remember, the valleys allow us to really enjoy the breathtaking beauty of the peaks!! So, I take a deep breath and put one foot in front of the other, moving forward and enjoying the beauty of the Lord around me, and taking in the moments that will be the memories of tomorrow! Life moves on, and I will move on with it.

Blessings!
Mary...
a.k.a -- PrairieMouse

End of Chapter 1

You may think that the title of this blog is odd, but then again if you know me, or have been following my blog, it may just make sense after all. The 1st chapter in my life without Glenn, year 1, is almost over.

Philipians 3:14 I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.

As I have been out and about recently I am aware that everywhere you look, you see it and you know it... Spring has sprung. Spring is a reminder that life has cycles, after the winter comes new life. That is what I am looking forward to in me, spring... this last year has been a long winter and I am ready for the spring, and I am confident that it is coming. I don't know how long the season of budding before the bloom will be, but I am beginning to feel that I am entering a bud stage. The year of firsts is nearly over and I have survived, and grown.

The year has been a time of hurdles, closures and many firsts without Glenn. I am glad that this time is coming to it's own sort of end.

Hurdles-- that would be adjusting to a new chapter in life, balancing my business plus a full time job, my personal life including time to rest and recharge (never my strong suit), and try to find a way to get back to doing what I did before with in my involvement in church. I need to remember that this chapter is really more of a steeple chase than the quick short hurdles on a track. The hurdles vary in size and intensity, some are easily seen, some I knew were there and chose to go around them temporarily- I will be facing them shortly, and some are like the ones that hide behind a hedge on the steeple chase course. They come from no where but with God's help I have gotten through them and will continue to.

I can look back and feel both frustrated and yet okay at the same time, there are times when I got mad at myself for shutting down, letting my emotions get the best of me. I'm not one that likes to give into emotions, tears and the lack of control that they create-- but I am human and I lost it plenty of times. I want to be in control, to be on an even keel, and some people may be surprised by this; but I like to know the 'plan,' For obvious reasons, that hasn't been the case, so I have learned that I need to be ready to flex, to 'jump' or turn as the Lord leads.

Firsts -- firsts, lots of them... important days celebrated with out him, some holidays and some days that may have only had meaning to us. Some were harder than others, some were surprisingly good, as thoughts and memories added to the presence of family and thoughtfulness of friends counterbalanced the 'empty' factor. One person really went out of their way in a way that probably did the most to get me through what might have been the hardest time of year... and I am forever thankful to them, and I can only hope they read this to know just how much those 12 gifts meant- you see, they were anonymous.

In this last few weeks I have found myself way more emotional than I have been in months. The first year is almost to a close, a lot of the pain has resurfaced. I miss Glenn so much it hurts, physically at times, and and I know that this is normal and natural, but it still sucks!

On the upside, I have found that God is constantly reminding me that I am NOT alone in this, He is always present with me, and His arms are around me.

Closures-- closure can be a good thing, it's not always easy but it's healthy. There have been a variety of things that had to be 'buttoned up,' finished or 'what have you.'  Some were simple to do, yet hard on the heart... things like changing a car title, not a big deal- but a closure. Bank accounts, bills... you know, stuff. There was one big thing that was still looming until a couple weeks ago, our old house.

During the market crash, we, like so many got hit hard economically and fell behind and into foreclosure. Well for several years that house has been in a holding pattern with no auction date. During the fall of 2012 God opened the door for us to buy the manufactured home where I live now, it is affordable, in an area I like and feel safe in. His timing amazes me, we were able to move and know that no matter what, we (I) wouldn't be in a bad spot when the inevitable happened and the house would be auctioned. Well, ironic timing, that time has come and with it the final closures all at once, the auction of that house and the close of my first year without Glenn will occur the same week. Needless to say the last few weeks have been a bit crazy, but I am pressing through them, with God's never-ending grace firmly with me. It will get done, because it has to, but the good thing is... it will be finished, no more limbo land to drag my heart and emotions out. A big closure, and a much needed one, no matter how uncomfortable it's been.

Looking to chapter 2 - I'm the same me as I was before, but yet, I am not at all who I was. Last year was a time of shock, adjustment, often times just survival mode, and possibly semi-catatonic at times. I spent my share of time crying out to God, and sometimes just crying to God, and He brought me through the year. He has blessed me with an amazing family both in the natural and my church family... I couldn't have survived the last 2 years without their love and caring.

I don't know what lies ahead but I know that what is in my heart, and that is to keep pressing forward toward the things that the Lord sets before me. I want to be obedient to the things that He calls me to do. This 2nd chapter is really the start of my new life, you see, in so may ways I think last year was more of an epilogue to one book of my life and the prologue to the book I am now in. Only God truly knows what lies ahead, but I can honestly say that looking backward, I can look forward with confidence and trust knowing what it says in Jeremiah 29:11 really is true for me.

May the love of the Lord touch each of you as it has me.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.

A Season of Fallowed Ground

Hosea 10:12 Sow for yourselves righteousness; Reap in mercy; Break up your fallow ground, For it is time to seek the LORD, Till He comes and rains righteousness on you.

This week an odor filled the air that reminded me that spring is coming, and a new growing season with it. Yes, it was a literal odor, you see every year they do a major fertilizing in Jacksonville, which is just west of me, so I get to smell that 'aroma' for a few weeks in the spring. lol

As I look back over the last 10 months, I see a season of fallowed ground. Fallow, means Land left unseeded during a growing season, this allows it to regain fertility. In farming, there is a practice of crop rotation and after a certain number of years they will take one year to fallow it, they will break up the ground, and create the furrows, but not plant. They give the field a year of rest.

I don't mean to say that I see no growth in my life this year, but rather, I see a season of rest, I know that sounds weird, due to the crazy, chaotic schedule, not to mention emotional spikes, I have had since entering this chapter of my life, but in a way it has been. 

You see, it's kind of like my unfinished planter box in the back yard, I set it up a year ago, I had a vision of what I was going to do with it, but then... well my life, as it was, stopped. Much like the planter box, it is set up, have a few weeds pulled and then it's and ready to be filled so that it can bring forth a crop. This last year, has been a year where in many ways that describes my life too, the ground was set and ready for planting- the way I saw it - and then the pause button was hit. The crop last year was in the spiritual, and it has been abounding, but I feel that now it's time that a new crop, one that I have no idea what it will be, is going to be planted in my life. This crop will harvest something that I never dreamed or imagined about because it is only my harvest, not the our harvest that I had always thought about. 

Yes, sometimes, my thoughts about the future are unsettled, yes I wonder... about so much! But I try always to remember that the Lord knew me when He created me. He knew the end from the beginning, and I try at those times to remind myself, that He has a plan for me; Is it what I thought it would be? No. But that's okay, He is bringing me through this season of fallow ground to prepare me for the path that He has for my life, I can and will trust in Him. When the time is right, I will begin to see the crop. As it grows I will begin to see what it is, and understand what it will become, but, ultimately I will remember that just as different crops have different growing cycles, so does the harvest that He is bringing forth in me. I must be patient and know that in His time I will be ready for what He has for me... I want to have a crop/life worthy of His harvest.

A Ruth Response

Ruth 1:16 But Ruth said: ​​“Entreat me not to leave you, ​​Or to turn back from following after you; ​​For wherever you go, I will go; ​​And wherever you lodge, I will lodge; ​​Your people shall be my people, ​​And your God, my God.

As I was spending time in the word, and going through the book of Ruth, I began to ponder Ruth and Naomi. This story struck me differently than ever before, probably due to where I am in my own life.

Naomi and her family had gone to the land of Moab, her sons had married Moabite women; Ruth and Orpah. Naomi's husband died and then so did both her sons, at this point Naomi decides to return to Bethlehem, and tells the girls to return to their families, Orpah does but Ruth says no, she wants to go with Naomi- she tells Naomi that wherever she goes that she will go with her, Naomi's people will be her people, and Naomi's God will be her God. 

Ruth saw something of value in Naomi, even when Naomie couldn't see it herself. Naomi was feeling abandoned by God. She even said, "call me Mara," translated- call me bitter. Naomi is feeling overwhelmed and alone and is not able to get past the feeling of loss- I can understand how that happens when you lose focus on the Lord.

Somehow Ruth had seen past the fear and distress in Naomi and even in her own mourning and loss she knew that Naomi had something in her life that she wanted. My best guess is that she had witnessed it during her marriage into this family that knew the one true God. I'm sure that they honored the traditional Jewish traditions, holidays and feasts, and through this Ruth had begun to develop a heart that was seeking the true and living God. This is the heart I admire, her response to Naomi was the beginning of what I call the Ruth Response.

When they arrived in Bethlehem, Ruth's love of her mother-in-law was evident by her willingness to serve and provide for her. She went to glean in the fields and that is where God began to move on Ruth's life, through her obedient heart. Ruth was seen by the field's owner, who was a relative, and he told her where to glean and made sure that there was provision for her. 

When Naomi found out, she told Ruth that Boaz was a near relative, and that she should go and lay at his feet at the threshing floor, and Ruth obeyed. She lay down at his feet while he was sleeping... She was literally laying at the feet of her redeemer. 

Because her heart was pure to seek the living God, she was redeemed from her widowhood, first provision for her and her mother-in-law, then she gained the love of Boaz and finally she had a family, and from that family would come her grandson, David-- the son of Obed, the King of Israel, a man after God's own heart.

In my own life I have been blessed, I was married to an amazing man, a man that loved God with his whole heart. I have four terrific kids who love God and are serving Him (and through them I have 2 equally terrific bonus kids). I have 4 grandchildren who are being raised to know the love of the Lord. I am part of a wonderful family and also an amazing church family. Through all of these I have come to know the love and strength of the Lord, more and more each day.

That being said, I can't say that each day has been completely a 'Ruth' day... I want it to, but I have my Naomi moments. Fear can creep in during the low points- "Will I be able to pay the bills?" "Can I deal with issues that may arise?" "Who can I talk to during my moments of fear and frustration?" Yep, low points that happen, whether I wanted them to or not. But when they hit, and I realize what is going on, I push past and begin to refocus where I need to, the Lord.

What I admire in Ruth is that she kept focus, she knew that God would provide, she understood His faithfulness and trusted in Him. Obedience to what those around her said, those that she trusted. Again I feel this is because she saw the Lord's hand on them.  I want to have that focus on God, rather than stress, I want to remember to lay down at the feet of my redeemer- Jesus. I can do this anytime, I don't have to sneak in at night to a threshing room floor. I can lay down at the feet of the Lord at anytime, sometimes it may be in a litteral, prostrate position of laying down, other times it is a heart thing, laying down my fears and trusting that my redeemer will provide, I need to remember at every moment the importance of; letting go and letting God.

Another example of the feet of the Lord as the place to be, is seen in Luke 10:38-42

38 Now it happened as they went that He entered a certain village; and a certain woman named Martha welcomed Him into her house. 39 And she had a sister called Mary, who also sat at Jesus’ feet and heard His word. 40 But Martha was distracted with much serving, and she approached Him and said, “Lord, do You not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Therefore tell her to help me.”
41 And Jesus answered and said to her, “Martha, Martha, you are worried and troubled about many things. 42 But one thing is needed, and Mary has chosen that good part, which will not be taken away from her.”

God has shown himself so faithful this last year, I am blessed, and sometimes ashamed of myself for going into a Mara mode... I need to remember my name, Mary, the same as another woman who chose the feet of the Lord.

My prayer; Lord give me a heart like Ruth, one that is obedient to do as You ask, and rest at the feet of my redeemer.

A Letter From My Heart to You...

At the end of each year, generally in a Christmas card, you will often find the "Holiday Letter." You know the one, it updates everyone on the events of the year. Well this is kind of like that, and yet a bit different... after all with Facebook so many of us are keeping up with those events already, what this is, is a letter from my heart.

As most of you know, 2013 was an eventful year in my family. 

January begun filled with prayerful optimism, Glenn's battle against cancer had been going well and Christmas with the family was a joy, and Glenn had played percussion in the Candlelight service. Our precious Cecilia turned 3, so amazing!  We were making plans for the year ahead, and the scripture in my heart was Ecclesiastes 3 To everything there is a season, A time for every purpose under heaven. And I still stand on that. By the end of that month, the doctors reports were changing and the prognosis was not good, that however never changed our faith, God is a big God, and our trust has always been, and mine still is, in Him!

Proverbs 3:5-8 Trust in the Lord with all your heart And lean not on your own understanding In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths. Do not be wise in your own eyes Fear the Lord and depart from evil. It will be health to your flesh, And strength to your bones.

Psalms 46:10-11 Be still, and know that I am God I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth! The LORD of hosts is with us; The God of Jacob is our refuge.

February came and we continued to make plans, plans for a garden and plans to meet our grandson that was to arrive in May. Jeremy and Whitney came to visit and we were blessed with a wonderful opportunity to have all the family together and get some family pictures done... Again, I am thankful for the timing of the Lord.

In March the challenges increased, but so did our faith. We continued to plan and enjoy life together, though our sense of humor some may have viewed as a bit weird, but it allowed us to laugh and keep positive through the tough moments. Psa 18:32 It is God who arms me with strength, And makes my way perfect. We were keenly aware of what was going on in the physical, but our focus remained on the Lord during it all. My love and admiration for Glenn, as a husband, father and man of God continued to grow through every moment of the battle. His faith never wavered, he knew the God of his salvation. We followed the course that the Lord gave us and I continue trusting the Lord to guide my path still.

April brought us Easter, and the reminder of the resurrection power of the Lord Jesus, and the Salvation gift on the cross. It brought us time with family, and the girls Easter Egg Hunt, always fun to watch! Papa loved his grandbabies, even the one he had yet to see. Micah's dedication was in April and we were there, it brought joy to his heart to know that his grandchildren would be raised in the house of the Lord.

May was a month of tears, my heart broken at the loss of my best friend on earth, my lover, my husband, and at the same time tears of joy at the arrival of his namesake, Asher Glenn, who has his Papa's kind eyes. Though we didn't get the healing as we wanted it, the fact that we did get a miracle, became plain to my eyes, the doctors were talking weeks in March of 2012 but we were blessed with 14 months, and quite of few of them good ones! Glenn was able to teach, share and pray for others during that time, and this brought tears of happy memories. And now he is no longer in any pain, but doing what he loved most, worshiping in God's presence. We said 'good-bye' to him at the end of May, a hard time but a proud moment, my children are amazing and they they stepped up with so much strength. In addition to my children are my family and friends who stepped up and helped me through it.

The summer is somewhat of a blur, I began to move forward in a new chapter of life, beginning as I returned to the work-world as an employee, but have kept my business going, the Lord has given me provision to pay my bills each month and I am grateful for that. He is seeing me stretched in ways I am very uncomfortable with, but I trust He has a reason.

Fall arrived, over the months my heart is healing-- there are still some very raw parts but God's love is a balm of healing upon them. I think of the memories of last year and the good holiday season we had and the memories are happy and I will have them forever... that helps me through the low points.

As fall pushed into winter, and the holidays approached I began to reflect on things, and during the month of November I took the time to focus on the things I am thankful for, keeping a thankful heart is crucial to me... it keeps things in perspective, I really am blessed! From there I moved into sharing memories of holiday times, they add smiles to my spirit.

As I close, I would be amiss if I didn't mention one of the things that touched me most of all during this year of challenges- the amount of love shown to me by family, church family and friends from all over. Your prayers, words, thoughts, pictures, and deeds overwhelm me. You are God's hands whether you know it or not, you propped me up, picked me up and have helped me to move forward... And that is what I think of when I think of Christmas... Emanuel, Christ with us, those actions remind me of God's love for each of us, I was just in the position this year to see it, not necessarily more clearly, but in a new way from a different angle. Thank you all for this.

I am doing well, all things considered  though yes, I have moments, but the Strength I get from the Lord and the people he has placed in my life continue to help me walk forward. I know He has plans for me and I have faith that He will reveal them when the time is right. So I look to 2014 with optimism and joy in my heart anxious for the year ahead.

My prayers and best wishes for each of you to have an I hope you have had a wonderful Christmas and you will have amazing and blessed 2014!!

Mary