Life Goes On.... Moving Forward

By Faith We Understand

1 Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.2 For by it the elders obtained a good testimony.3 By faith we understand that the worlds were framed by the word of God, so that the things which are seen were not made of things which are visible.  

The Heavenly Hope

13 These all died in faith, not having received the promises, but having seen them afar off were assured of them, embraced them and confessed that they were strangers and pilgrims on the earth. 14 For those who say such things declare plainly that they seek a homeland. 15 And truly if they had called to mind that country from which they had come out, they would have had opportunity to return.16 But now they desire a better, that is, a heavenly country. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for He has prepared a city for them.

Heb 12:1-2 Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us,and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

I know that Glenn ran a good race, he pressed, and overcame... yes we were hoping for a different end to this particular leg of the race, but I know that he fought the good fight and is now rejoicing in heaven. It is through the Faith that I have, my family has, that we get through this time. I know that God has a "bubble" of sorts around me right now... it is His way of helping me get through this time. I am thankful for the peace and strength of the Lord.  I am not strong. God is. He sustains me.

The last 5 days have been a bit of a blur, and yet not... I am overwhelmed in a good way with the love of all those around me, around our family, that are pouring into us, thank you.

When you are standing in a battle like this, you are looking at the end that you want, that is the one that you keep focused on and mentally prepare for... when the ending that you are desiring doesn't occur, then you continue to do what you have done all along... You Press, You Pray, You Trust, You Believe - and now, you move forward into the chapter that is being written. Trust... yes trust, trust that the Lord knows the end from the beginning. Trust that even though your heart aches and you don't know what lies ahead, you trust that He will give you new dreams of your future... I know the future isn't the one that I dreamed about with Glenn for so many years, but I KNOW that God still has one for me, and it's a good one! His word tells me that in Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. And it is on that promise I stand.

The promise that life continues arrived barely 48 hours after Glenn was called home, it arrived in the tiny form of our first grandson... Asher Glenn Smith - our Joyful Blessing! God knew what we would need and when we would need it, He gave the kids the name and He set it that Asher would arrive 3 weeks early... all set in place before we knew what was to come... He is Faithful!

Is this new chapter all fluff and flowers... no. It can't be, I am human, I miss the man that I have spent over 31 years of my life with. I will have ups and downs for quite a while, I know this, but I also know that the Lord will never leave me or forsake me. He WILL get me through, and with that I can have peace. When I am quiet, it may be a moment of grief or reflection; or it may just be a moment of peace... either way I am in His hand, and it is there where I will stay.

I will take a moment, I will take a deep breath, I will press forward, and I will re-engage into serving Him just as strongly as before, that is what I know I need to do, and I know that it is also what Glenn would expect me to do. Do I know exactly what that really looks like at this moment- no, how can I? But I don't have to; God does. The Lord is my Strength and in Him I WILL trust.

My Heart is Broken but God is Here

Sleep isn't coming tonight, go figure... My heart is broken, the man I have loved since high school has gone to be with the Lord. It's May 4th. Not the ending we prayed for, not the ending we hoped for, and not the ending we expected, and not the one I was prepared for... but that doesn't change the goodness of God.

People have looked at me this year and said how strong I  was, I wasn't... God was, and is, and with Him, I know I will make it through to the next chapter in my life. God has given me an amazing circle of friends and family that will help me along until I can walk on my own.

Glenn arrived into my life on a summer afternoon, he showed up with a good friend of mine and her boyfriend. My parents weren't home so having people, especially guys there was a major no, no. LOL, but rather than ground me, my parents saw an opportunity, since we were in the yard they really weren't mad but  they said if the guys unloaded the truck of furniture that they had brought home from my Aunt's then I wouldn't get grounded, well they did... and on it was my hope chest. In the years since I said that Glenn arrived with my hope chest so we were destined.

Destined is not what many of our friends thought we were, lol. We were the odd couple, I was the little girl that lived in "Leave It To Beaver" land and he was a rock and roll, party boy drummer. Many of our friends didn't give us a decent chance at making it for the long haul... we we did pretty good, over 31 years, living up to the vows, until death us did part... again, my heart is shattered.

I have been married to a Godly, loving, gentle and amazing man. We really didn't fight much and we always found a way to laugh or at least smile, even to this morning. I don't know at this point what to do without him, I don't know how to be a grown-up without him, I miss him already. What I do know is that God can mend a broken heart, I don't know how long it will take but I know that the Lord has all those fragments firmly in His hand, and He knows just how to fit them together so that I will be okay.

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It's Monday now, another day passed. In spite of how little sleep and the events of Saturday, Sunday was a good day. I went to church- where else would I be. Emotions kept in check, somewhat due to exhaustion... weird kinda the opposite of my usual when tired. Our church family is amazing, from the moment I arrived I was enveloped by people expressing their love and also their own sense of heartbreak at Glenn's departure. Service was awesome, and the words of the sermon ended up paying a wonderful tribute to Glenn. - as I type, the words are beginning to blur, from the tears in my eyes.

Clear again- I came home from church, did some menial tasks, curled up in Glenn's recliner, turned on a movie and slept, 2 hours, twice as long as the night before... then back to church for a special evening service. I am thankful to the Lord's timing of things. Because of the timing I was able to keep my focus where I needed for much of the time, grieving- absolutely! But in a place where I could see and feel God's touch fully on me.

At home both in the afternoon and once again at night, I look at my facebook page, I am reminded that there are so many who loved Glenn, love me and care for my family. They are from all over, both near and far; family; close friends and some who though I don't know as well, I feel their encouragement.

Another show of God's timing and a reminder that Glenn's legacy of living a life before the Lord, is the fact that our son and his wonderful Whitney are going to have their son very soon, Whitney was being induced last night, and Glenn's namesake Asher Glenn Smith will soon arrive... His name alone means "Joyful Blessings."

I looked around me Sunday, all of my children and their families at service with me, 3 in person and 1 via livestream. Right where Glenn would want us all to be, doing what he would want us to do, go to the house of the Lord and Worshipping Him, looking forward to what God has for us to come.

Yes, my heart is broken into what feels like a million pieces, but I know already God has begun to put it back together one piece at a time, with the gentle touch of the Master's Hand, it will eventually heal, a part of it may always be missing, but it's only until we see one another again in heaven.

For now, it is one day at a time, still doing what has become my mantra.... Pressing, Praying, Trusting and Believing!!

Thank you to each of you that has walked with us, and continue to walk with me... in this area, my heart is full! I love you all.

The sermon "Shield's of the Mighty" with Pastor Danny Bonilla

In Spite of the Storm- We Will Stand

Psa 107:29 He calms the storm, so that its waves are still.

Micah 7:7 Therefore I will look to the LORD; I will wait for the God of my salvation; My God will hear me.

We know that Christ is with us in the storm, we just need to remember to focus on Him and let the Lord do the work, He is able to do things in both the supernatural and for that we continue to believe and trust and also in the practical through the body of people around us. The last couple weeks have been a swirl... the storm became a major tempest, but with the strength of the Lord and the abundance of people that he has placed into our lives it is becoming navigable, the prayers of the people are holding us up when, we are feeling weak. 

Our lives have changed at a crazy pace the last couple weeks, and admittedly I wasn't ready for the speed at which they did. Quite honestly, I don't know how you could be... however, in spite of that, the Lord knew what was coming... He had already begun strengthening my spirit, and had in place a support network that is amazing.

We have been experiencing an abundance of prayer and emotional support for the last 13+ months, as well as those who have offered to help in the day to day things. I am humbled by this outpouring... It is weird to be on this side of things- but I now understand more of why, in the past, when I have asked someone that was going through a tough time,  "Is there anything I can do?" They would often respond,  "no"... it's not that it's really "no," often it's more- "I just don't know." When things start shifting, you don't know what you need, till you need it. Again, I am thankful to friends who are willing to push past my silence and my "no" until they help me to "know" and are patient for me to articulate it. Also for those who just see the need, are are there to take my arm and walk me through the moment when I am to overwhelmed to realize that I am in it... I don't know if that makes sense to everyone, but to those that God has given that gift to do for others, or have received it from others... you know.

I tried to explain it to someone this way-- You know when you are water skiing and you almost get up but instead you drop and start dragging your rear end instead... yeah that's kind of it, except you can't let go. Fortunately I am at that point where I have gotten out of the water... a bit shaky  but beginning to get a clearer perspective and a moment to think. The storm is calming and the waves will become still and until then, I now am learning in an even more obvious way- we are not alone in the boat. God has given us oarsmen to help... and I am learning to let them.

Those that know us best, know that in spite of all the craziness that we can see, underneath it all is the confidence, that we are in the Lord's hands, and that He is with us and will complete the work. We fully trust that Glenn's healing will manifest and we will do the work He has called us to do. Yes in spite of the storm, we will stand.