The Potter's Hands

Isa 64:8 But now, O LORD, You are our Father; We are the clay, and You our potter; And all we are the work of Your hand.

I saw this picture this week and it got me thinking about the verse above...

I took pottery in school so I remember the process-

• Cut a segment of clay off the bulk block
• Knead it to get all the air pockets out and any hard spots gone so that the clay will work smooth
• Throw it on to the wheel so that it's fairly centered and can be worked properly 
• Then begin the process of creating your pot, bowl, plate... sometimes it starts good and has an issue and needs to be squashed and reworked to be thrown again.
• Green fire it- this is the initial firing before you glaze it. If something goes wrong here then your project explodes and goes into a soaking process for quite a while so it will become pliable and usable again.
• If it has survived the green firing then it gets glazed and fired again... it is after this firing that you have a finished project, shiny and beautiful.

I look at my life right now, it was in my eyes the finished project, and it was beautiful to me. God gave me an amazing marriage, great family and we all love serving Him but lately I feel like an exploded pot... That being said, I also know that if I allow it, God will take me, and as I soak in His word, in worship and prayer then I will, like that greenware become pliable once again. I choose to willingly submit myself to the potters hand. What form the finished project will become- I haven't a clue, I only know that like any true artisan, the Lord wants to create in me a beautiful finished project. Only He knows what that is to look like.

My prayer... Lord, keep me pliable, let me not fight what you are doing with in me. Take me, work out the 'bubbles' and problem spots that could hamper the finished product. I want to become what you created me to be... 

This is good to remember in life, no matter what stage or season- no matter the calm or the storms; The best thing to say; I give my self to the Great Potters hands.

Trying to Process

Today, I find myself reflecting back over the last 4 weeks... 4 weeks?  Really? Is it possible that so much time has already passed? It's a weird thing, this hole in my life... Glenn and I were together so much of the time over the last 4 years, we worked, played and even ran simple errands together. If you were to average it all out we were probably together 23/7 since we started working together in our business... now I am trying to process the being apart, knowing that he won't be here anymore-- it's not easy to wrap my brain around. The practical side of me gets it, but the emotional side of me is kicking and screaming inside-- this isn't how it's supposed to be!!

Then I take a deep breath, it's not mine to decide 'how it's supposed to be.' I gave that to the Lord a long time ago... He knew thousands of years ago the number of days Glenn would have here, I know this, and I am thankful that I got to spend so many with him. Each day I just have to continue to breath, and put one foot in front of the other and press forward. I know that with time, it will get easier, I will process through this, like with all things, I just need to remember to 'let go and let God,' He will get me through.

The biggest challenge is just learning to process through the day to day things that you just do, you don't really think about them, you just do them. I didn't realize just how many things each of us 'just did' as part of our routine. There are parts of our both our home life and our business that were just what I did, or just what he did, and now I am having to pick up those things that he did and do both parts... that's one of those things that triggers 'those moments.'  

I miss his voice, yes, I am blessed to have a cd with him singing with our kids, but that's still not the same as when he would tell me he loved me, or even tell me to be quiet - he was on the phone. (Which I may not have realized.) I don't get to watch him cooking in the kitchen anymore, something that he loved, and was really good at... he would always get nervous when I would start cutting veggies, he'd tell me how to do that too--- didn't help, I still cut them like I always have. I miss folding clothes with him... and the snap fights that would occasionally happen when one or the other of us had the last towel or t-shirt in hand. Life was fun! 

Yes, life with Glenn was fun, I miss that the most. Whether times were hard, or life was easy, we always had fun. Even this last year when he was sick, he would crack jokes at the weirdest times... the warped sense of humor that we shared didn't hurt, I'd say it helped us get through some hard points. Reader's Digest said it best... Laughter is the best medicine.

I think an area of the whole processing thing that can be the most difficult is navigating against the tide of "What if?" As humans, we go there... what if we had done this, or he had done that, or I had said this... yes it is natural to go there but you can't dwell there- it's pointless to live in the land of regrets, all it does is feed bitterness, anger and depression. And that's no way to live.

The things that I want to focus on in processing- 

• Memories, yes they bring some pain but it is balanced out with so much joy.
• My family, I am so thankful for them, I want to encourage them in their walks the way Glenn would, our children and grandchildren are a delight and I know that God has big things for them. Last year when this started we told them not to rearrange their lives for this, but to press forward - you don't stop life for life. As we were believing for Glenn's full healing we told the kids that they needed to focus on the call for their lives, that is how to live, not fretting over what was going on in ours.
• This may sound silly but I want to focus on getting my brain back to normal- it's like pregnancy brain all over again and I haven't been pregnant since 1992!
• Trust; Trust that God will bring me through and give me provision- He will bring me to the path on which all my needs are met and my bills are paid. 
• And most importantly, Faith; faith in knowing that God isn't finished with me, He has work for me to accomplish and I want to be faithful to complete it.

I know parts of this are possibly repeats of my thoughts in other blogs over the last month, but it's all part of the process of my processing the things going on.

I hope that through my ramblings and insights into my thoughts, you find nuggets that will bless your life, and encourage you in some way... that is my heart, I want to be a builder up, not a puller down in your life and I consider it a privileged when you choose to read the pondering's of my heart.

Saying Goodbye...

Saying goodbye is really never easy, whether it's the simplicity of when a friend is moving away, the complexity of s broken relationship of some sort, or the final goodbye. Yes, I know that when you are in Christ, death isn't really the end, but it is the end of the day to day fellowship with our loved ones.

Even though I know Glenn has been with the Lord for 3 weeks now, as it is stated in 2 Chronicles 5:8 "We are confident, yes, well pleased rather to be absent from the body and to be present with the Lord." it was yesterday that the we really said goodbye. The Celebration of Life service was a blessing, painful in ways... how could it not when I was saying goodbye to my best friend of over 33 years, the love of my life and the father of my children. Yet, it really was a blessing... the lives that Glenn touched, represented by a sea of purple- thank you for honoring him by the wearing of his favorite color. 

Though the moments with people were so brief, I saw people from so many stages of our lives-- the ones that I haven't seen in years, (and certainly not all at once in the same place!) to the ones that have been a part of our daily lives-- you all mean so much!  Some have had a long history with Glenn, and their lives were made richer by the friendship. But I also spoke with a few that had, really, the briefest of contact, as little as a single conversation that changed their life... WOW, God is amazing!! I knew that Glenn was a special man, but somehow, it was brought home in an even more significant way yesterday- thank you for sharing!

My children amaze me, like any other mom, I love my kids and am proud of them, yesterday however, was truly amazing... They are hurting, they miss their dad, but the love and honor they showed yesterday- it may bring tears to my eyes for a long time to come. They stepped up, they wanted to do the things that they did in the service; they have said that they see a strength in me, but let me say this, I see amazing strength in each of them!! I am thankful that as I look at each of them, I see so much of their dad in them, and God is opening my eyes to how the mantle that Glenn carried is being deposited uniquely in each of their lives.

I am also thankful to be in a house of the Lord that is family! My heart has been overwhelmed by so many in the past few weeks and again yesterday... All those that came, and so many who served, thank you!! This may sound silly but when I walked into the chapel for the luncheon, I quite literally was on the verge of tears. This wasn't because I had just come back from the cemetery, but because the amazing amount of food that was brought by so many and the fact that so many  people were still there (at the church), and had waited for us to get there before eating, and we were way behind everyone- and it was way past lunchtime. Again, my heart can't really express what this meant to me.

Thank you also to Joy Christian Fellowship for livestreaming the service so that those that couldn't be there in person were able to join us from where they were.

Thank you all for having walked alongside us all these years, and especially during the last 15 months. Your prayers, friendship and the things you have done have blessed me and my family beyond my ability to fully convey. I know in my heart that I am not alone, I have been blessed with both family and church family and friends to walk through the days ahead. I know that God has a future for me and I know that you are all there with me and the kids to see that we press forward.... Yes I will say it again- I love you and am thankful for each and everyone of you!