I have had an odd series of emotional ups and downs recently, I think today, I am finally understanding them. As I take time to reflect back, I realize that this time of year has a variety of memories/moments that I now associate with it, some aren't always at the surface level, but this morning, I think I get it, I see it all... and more importantly I can now process through it, prayerfully finish release the painful part of it.
The beautiful part of this, the wonderful memories and moments... going back to Feb 14, 1980, 44 years ago on Valentines Day of my Senior year of High School. That was the day Glenn showed up at my house with a bouquet of flowers, and the card that said, "Will you be my steady Valentine?" (I know I've shared that part before.) We had been introduced 6 months before, just before my 17th birthday, an introduction that was going to begin our lives on an amazing journey. Short story on the next 30 years: The financial ups and downs, crazy life moments, blessings of 4 kids, the grandkids and most importantly learning to walk with the Lord and stay steady on that walk. That walk is what enabled us to face everything that came along.
Now to the beginning of the pain; 12 years ago, this month we knew something was wrong... we didn't know exactly what, but we knew there was some sort of challenge that we would face, but we were determined to face it together with the Lord as our anchor. A month later in March of 2012 we found out the deadly giant we were facing. We faced it with our eyes open and yet the determined faith that we believe in a miracle working God. The next 14 months were difficult ones, full of ups and downs, victories and then the pain of loss.
Next in the cycle of this time of year, it was Feb of 2013 that the doctor began to try to prepare us for what he saw was coming soon. The chemo was no longer working. Well, both Glenn and I, being naturally stubborn knew that we wouldn't give up fighting the good fight for Glenn's healing until he was healed, or home with the Lord. Well ultimately Glenn lost the battle here on earth but we did have a miracle, the fact that Glenn had lived about 13.5 months longer that the doctors had hoped for. And I know that He has been with the Lord since he left me on May 4th of that year.
Forward 5 years to February 2018, I get a call that my dad wasn't doing well, I contact all my siblings and we converge to see him, for the first time in decades we were all together. It was a time of healing for my dad. He didn't pass then but about 2.5 months later at the end of April, he passed.
As I reflect on these things, it gives me a path through, I have processed a lot through these years but, there were still a few things open that I didn't realize, and they have allowed a "funk" of sorts to settle in every year. I will prayerfully get victory over that funk and move on from it. Not that I will ever forget those moments, but I will focus on the good that has come into my life since them and in spite of them.
My decision is to focus on the fact that what it says in Romans 6:28 is true. I have said over the years that there grief is like waves at the ocean, I feel like I have finally found a way to see the 'sneaker' wave and stop it from flattening me emotionally. To relate, to another analogy of grief... the polished stone. I have finally found a way to take the the rough rock of grief, now polished with time, out of the tumbler and look upon the beauty of it without pain from the rough edges-- they are gone.
May all of you that have gone through anything similar, also gain the victory from the lesson of the polished stone.
