Coulda, Shoulda, Regrets-- No Regrets

Prov 3:5-6 

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.

This week was a good one, I had 2 days that I can say were truly 'good ' days. No emotional jags, and honestly, it was nice.

It has been a week that has had me reflecting a lot. I even was running the negative mental game of; coulda, shoulda, 'if only,' 'but,' 'we were gonna,' 'why didn't we do...' You get the picture. And as I was pondering these things I began to feel the Lord speak to my spirit, what good is to be gained from these thoughts? 

Some of the thoughts are those, "what if we'd done things differently?" Some are fixating on the unfinished dreams that we had together. Some are really just meandering, unproductive thoughts, but really the truth of the matter is, all they do is bring a world of useless and pointless regrets, that won't change a thing in my life right now. 

All of this brought me back to the simple question- Do I trust God? I wrote a whole blog on this, months ago.

If I do trust the Lord, and I do, then I need to let go of those thoughts and regrets-- they are only clogging up my brain for what is coming. It dawned on me that it is like a bookshelf, when everything is cattywhompus, and there is a bunch of stuff you really don't need there, then you have no room for the good things, new things. 

God is helping me realize that if I want new dreams and to see the vision He has for my future then I need to get my "bookcase" organized. Keeping those good things; the cherished memories of us, and mental snapshots of the past, as well as the things that were 'mine' from the past, meaning not a part of the "we" of things we did, but some of the things that I did. And as I keep those, I can clear away the regrets, and release the things that I perceive as unfinished... The Lord knew long ago the plan for our lives, and He is bringing me into this new story of my life, and for it to unfold I must make room. I am, it's not instant, but it is happening, a day at a time.

I know that there is a lot more clearing to go, but this week gave me a glimpse that it will get done, I will get there, and yes the new story will unfold.  In spite of the fact that I'd love to think that this process would be done in an instant, I know that's not realistic, lol, and those that know me best know that I am a realist. But that's okay too, God is the one who made me with a strong practical side, He knew that I would need it in getting through the storms of the last year and a half.

I can honestly say that right now, I have fewer regrets than I did a week ago, and I know that a week from now, I will be better still. How long the process? I don't know, but I do know that I am ready to start, 'clearing the bookshelf.' 

How about you? How does your 'bookshelf' look, is it clear and ready for the future? Or are there some regrets cluttering it up?

I will close tonight with one simple statement.... LET GO AND LET GOD!!

Blessings!!

Mary

A Purpose

It's been almost a year since I started writing this blog... the direction that it has gone isn't exactly what I had envisioned it being, at least not at first glance.  So I look closer, and I begin to see it a bit differently.

My vision of it was going to be the story of Glenn's battle with and victory over cancer through the hand of the Lord. The victory did come, just not the picture I had of it. We did get a miracle last year, again, not the one I was looking for, but still, we did. The doctors report at his diagnosis was very grim, possibly weeks, a few months if we were lucky. Well, I'm not one for luck, but I am one who's trust is in the Lord, as was Glenn. We got about a year longer than the initial prognosis, and with pancreatic cancer, trust me, that is a miracle! Not to mention, from August until March, Glenn was feeling pretty good much of the time. He is whole now, and healed, just not present with us. My heart is in pain from missing him though I am glad that he no longer is sick and in pain. I will never understand why our time together was only as long as it was, but I trust the Lord.

When I look more closely at what the Lord had put in my heart for this blog I begin to understand why He put it on my heart to continue it past the end of the cancer battle. The purpose and heart of this blog was to share a journey, but the journey is one that is with the Lord. It was He who led me to write, it is He who strengthened Glenn and I through the ups and downs in the cancer battle, and it is the Lord who strengthens me to walk and press forward each day. 

I know that I am not the only spouse to wrestle with the ups and downs of being a caretaker, not a role that anyone expects to step into at the age of 49-50, but a role, that when it is for the one you love, you accept willingly. As I look back I cannot imagine having walked the last 18 months without the Lord, I'm not strong enough. For those who may stumble upon this blog and do not know the Lord, know this- His strength can carry you through anything!! 

I reflect back over this period and I see God's hand, I know that some people may wonder how I can say that... but that is because they either don't know the Lord, or the true heart of Love that He has for us. I see how He set the clock to give me more time with the man I loved. I see the times when it was only His strength that got me through the day due to my lack of sleep, or emotional exhaustion. I saw it even as He was taking Glenn to his heavenly home. I have seen it in everyday of my life since. Some days it was an internal thing, other days His hand was and is evidenced in the tangible, moving through people- meeting a need, in an almost instantaneous way.  

I know I have said this before, but I am sooo thankful for the family and friends in my life, you will never know how much you all mean to me, so many of you have been there for me, and yes, still are in so many ways. The words you speak, the prayers you pray and yes, the things you have done-- they flood my heart and thoughts.  Knowing you are there, and I can call you makes me feel loved at a time when I need it more than ever. (Even when I don't want to make the call.)

It is so strange to be in this position, but I know that life goes on, and God is healing me more everyday. The waves of emotion lap more gently, and the sneaker waves don't hit as often and not always as hard as they did even a month ago, but yes they still hit and some very hard, but knowing I can call out to the Lord when they do and that He is there when I call... helps immensely. God is a Big God, and an ever present help in time of need.

That last statement is what really brings me back to what my thought for this blog really was, and has fully become as this first year on here comes near... This is a place where, yes I pour my heart out, but, you can come and find encouragement. Encouragement that God can bring you through the darkest storm and into the sun on the other side. You just need to let Him. God does not force His will on us, but He is ready and waiting when we are ready to let Him guide us through the storms and stills of life.

He is the Comforter that gives immeasurable peace at all times. He is the rock that I am anchored to, no matter how rough the seas of life may become, He is my home port. Make Him yours if you haven't... You'll never regret it. 

Blessings!

Mary

Birthday Ponderings

My mind is pondering birthdays of the last 34 years... back to my first date with Glenn on my 17th birthday in 1979- The Muppet Movie. Heard the theme song from it on the Radio just a couple days ago and it still makes me smile.

I find myself shedding tears this morning, not so much of sadness, but missing Glenn and celebrating our birthdays together. Our birthdays fall 8 days apart so any celebration was joint, usually a lunch or dinner together... and a Sunday birthday lunch with the whole family after church. We only exchanged a few gifts over the years because the simple joy of being together was what we enjoyed most.

Even last year, Glenn was on an upswing, feeling well enough to eat some Chinese food at China Hut. We didn't really ever go the fancy route, it wasn't us... I think Olive Garden was our lunch choice once or twice over the years because their all you can eat Pasta was a favorite of both of ours.

Probably the thing we both enjoyed most was simply the time to talk, again, that's the thing I really miss- our talks. I had someone tell me once, after seeing us eating out for about our 15th birthday lunch after our marriage, that they were amazed watching us have our meal together. Thinking this statement odd, I asked why and he looked at me and said that most couples he had waited on over the years, and who have been together that long, well; they just didn't spend a whole meal talking so much. He thought that was really cool, that we looked like we enjoyed each others company like newlyweds. Well, we did, we really liked to converse, and the topics were all over the place, from the silly and simple, to deep and intense, as well as a lot of  memories and dreams. 

Dreams, there's that word again, we were talking dreams of the future almost up til the moment that we, became me. That's a hard one. 

I have a feeling that today may be a bumpy one, but it will be one that though there will be tears, I will also have lots of smiles cross my lips and heart as I think of all those wonderful birthday moments that we did have together, including last years final coast trip together that we enjoyed so much... the room was at a simple little hotel but we could hear the waves all night- it was perfect!

I will always love my Glenn, and cherish our time together. I will pause for the memories of the past, but at the same time I will continue to do what I know he would want me to do, and press forward into life (and it is what I would want for him if things were reversed). To dwell in the place of sadness doesn't do any justice to our life together... we loved life, serving the Lord together, and loving our family. And to honor Glenn, I will continue that.  Doing as it says in Philippians 3:14  I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.  - I know that I will find my bearings in this walk alone because, I am not alone, I have the Lord.

Happy 1st Birthday with the Lord, my love.