Friday, August 2, 2013

5 Stages? 7 Stages? Who knows? It hurts!

There are various thoughts on how many "Stages of Grief" there are... some say 4 maybe it's 5, others say 7- though it's really the same as the 5 just separated out a bit more. I really don't care how many, I just know it hurts!! 

Seriously, this grief thing sucks... I know it is natural, normal and it has to happen-- but that doesn't change the fact that it is painful, dark, tearful and lonely- even when you're not alone.

And I do know that I am not alone... Psalms 23:4 comes to mind a lot; Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. I know the Lord is with me, I feel His presence. Matthew 5:4 Blessed are those who mourn, For they shall be comforted. It is true, God comforts me, but the pain is real.

Grief is like the waves of the ocean; it sometimes is just quietly there lapping at your feet while you walk;
Other times it is like the sneaker wave that slams you down just before the riptide pulls you under. Some days are okay, I just face what is immediately in front of me and go forward, but other days... oh my gosh, suddenly the waves are slamming my emotions so hard.

Recently, I have found myself looking back over the last 3 months... yeah, it will be 3 months this weekend... life is very surreal at times. I only wish it were a dream, but it's not, so I press forward, a moment at a time, and through that, the moments become hours, the hours days, the days weeks and so on. "They" say time of grieving varies from person to person and I know this is true, but that still doesn't answer the unresolved thought in my head... when will the hurting stop? I know from the loss of my mom nearly 20 years ago, it will go away- with only occasional moments (like Mother's Day, with her) hitting the heart.

Don't misunderstand what I am writing here... I am not always overwhelmed with it, I do laugh and smile- yes genuinely, and I am fine... but still, there are those moments, when it really does hurt at a physical level. By the 'process charts,' I am moving forward in the process, but again, that doesn't change what I am feeling. Part of the annoying part of it all is that I have no real control of it, yes, sometimes it hits at a bad time and I can 'suck it up' and put on a happy face, but I know that it's not healthy to do that all the time, so often when a sneaker wave hits, I have to roll with it until I feel upright and ready to swim again.

Again, I am ever reminded that it is normal, that God IS with me, my friends are here to support me and that with time, it will get better, and it is. And I need to let go, and remember it's okay to not be in control of these feelings, and when I get them then I need to roll with them, and give them to the Lord... and that's what will get me through. God is Good, All the time and in Him I will trust...  

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