Monday, January 2, 2017

Life's Moments and Snow Storm Reflections.

Right at this moment I am sitting in a hotel room, instead of at home where I really want to be. But things like this happen at times... the trick is learning to respond rather than react to them... If I am honest, today was a bit of both. I was calm and practical in my response, but I then found out that if I had done, what Glenn and I would have done when it was the two of us, that I would actually probably be there right now.... and that moment evoked a short term attitude reaction.

Now I am sitting somewhere where I am forced to be alone with myself, and my thoughts... no friends, or family to distract me, yes, there is Facebook, but that's not the same as being close enough to others that you know that you can physically get together if you need or want to.

The reason I am here? Snow storms... they have been hitting off and on all up and down I-5, and due to a closure of the freeway, that the troopers said would be 3-6 hours, I made the decision to stay in a hotel rather than wait and chance driving a potentially icy mountain pass. This was the practical response... then I found out that the closure only ended up being about an hour and a half long. Of course by then I had already checked in, and I was frustrated with myself for not having waited longer and trying to press through, that's what would have been what Glenn and I together would have done... but then again, he's not here, it's just me.

This adventure started a couple days ago when I made a decision to take a short unplanned trip to see my dad and stepmom. They are in their 90's and she is in the hospital, it was important to me to go and see them. The: "love them while they are still here," theory completely dominates me at times... probably more so since Glenn's passing, and when you are talking parents... you need to cherish them when you have them. I still can't believe that it's been nearly 23 years since my mother passed. Life is short, value those you love.

Because of this love, I took the chance and made a trip knowing the weather forecast for the weekend, I had great roads north and of course that put me in a good mood, in spite of the circumstances for the trip. Admittedly it's still weird to check into a hotel by myself, and I knew that there was the chance of an extra night by myself, but I didn't think it would happen. Yes, I was alone up there, but it was just the evening when I got there and the next day in the evening when I left the hospital... kind of like the time frame when you get home from work... but this, sitting in a hotel room, in a little town with no reason to be here and a lot of hours... not what I like.  I didn't really want to sit and watch TV, I also didn't just want to lurk on Facebook for endless hours.

So getting past my whining, some of which did end up on my Facebook page, I have taken a part of this time to look at myself, I realize that I need to learn better how to be by myself when I am far from my 'world,' I am taking part of this time to be transparent about the newest discovery that I have made since becoming the single me again. I honestly never had to face 'alone stuff,' until Glenn passed, because I went directly from my parents home, to my husbands and my home... No living alone, not even living in a college dorm. So it's all been a learning curve, and I feel I've done pretty good, but this... the silence, I really don't like it.

I have always been a verbal processer, when I am stressed, upset, worried, or happy I have always processed my feelings by talking... I was blessed with a husband that would talk with me, we always had the ability to have conversation... I remember once we missed a turn on the way home from Reno and ended up going 30 miles before we realized because we were just chatting. I still process out loud, I talk to myself and the Lord while I am in my car... A LOT! But it's not the same, this is the area I have had the most difficulty in adjusting to, and today I got smacked hard in the face with it.

I am really trying to enjoy my true alone time, really enjoy it, not just look for stuff to do to keep myself occupied until it's time to sleep... it's a process, but the realization is there, I learned some today about myself, and if I take the time, I will learn more and be able to rest more in the Lord during those moments.

Happy 2017 Everyone!!

Be Blessed!
PrairieMouse (a.k.a. Mary)

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