Today, I find myself reflecting back over the last 4 weeks... 4 weeks? Really? Is it possible that so much time has already passed? It's a weird thing, this hole in my life... Glenn and I were together so much of the time over the last 4 years, we worked, played and even ran simple errands together. If you were to average it all out we were probably together 23/7 since we started working together in our business... now I am trying to process the being apart, knowing that he won't be here anymore-- it's not easy to wrap my brain around. The practical side of me gets it, but the emotional side of me is kicking and screaming inside-- this isn't how it's supposed to be!!
Then I take a deep breath, it's not mine to decide 'how it's supposed to be.' I gave that to the Lord a long time ago... He knew thousands of years ago the number of days Glenn would have here, I know this, and I am thankful that I got to spend so many with him. Each day I just have to continue to breath, and put one foot in front of the other and press forward. I know that with time, it will get easier, I will process through this, like with all things, I just need to remember to 'let go and let God,' He will get me through.
The biggest challenge is just learning to process through the day to day things that you just do, you don't really think about them, you just do them. I didn't realize just how many things each of us 'just did' as part of our routine. There are parts of our both our home life and our business that were just what I did, or just what he did, and now I am having to pick up those things that he did and do both parts... that's one of those things that triggers 'those moments.'
I miss his voice, yes, I am blessed to have a cd with him singing with our kids, but that's still not the same as when he would tell me he loved me, or even tell me to be quiet - he was on the phone. (Which I may not have realized.) I don't get to watch him cooking in the kitchen anymore, something that he loved, and was really good at... he would always get nervous when I would start cutting veggies, he'd tell me how to do that too--- didn't help, I still cut them like I always have. I miss folding clothes with him... and the snap fights that would occasionally happen when one or the other of us had the last towel or t-shirt in hand. Life was fun!
Yes, life with Glenn was fun, I miss that the most. Whether times were hard, or life was easy, we always had fun. Even this last year when he was sick, he would crack jokes at the weirdest times... the warped sense of humor that we shared didn't hurt, I'd say it helped us get through some hard points. Reader's Digest said it best... Laughter is the best medicine.
I think an area of the whole processing thing that can be the most difficult is navigating against the tide of "What if?" As humans, we go there... what if we had done this, or he had done that, or I had said this... yes it is natural to go there but you can't dwell there- it's pointless to live in the land of regrets, all it does is feed bitterness, anger and depression. And that's no way to live.
The things that I want to focus on in processing-
- Memories, yes they bring some pain but it is balanced out with so much joy.
- My family, I am so thankful for them, I want to encourage them in their walks the way Glenn would, our children and grandchildren are a delight and I know that God has big things for them. Last year when this started we told them not to rearrange their lives for this, but to press forward - you don't stop life for life. As we were believing for Glenn's full healing we told the kids that they needed to focus on the call for their lives, that is how to live, not fretting over what was going on in ours.
- This may sound silly but I want to focus on getting my brain back to normal- it's like pregnancy brain all over again and I haven't been pregnant since 1992!
- Trust; Trust that God will bring me through and give me provision- He will bring me to the path on which all my needs are met and my bills are paid.
- And most importantly, Faith; faith in knowing that God isn't finished with me, He has work for me to accomplish and I want to be faithful to complete it.
I hope that through my ramblings and insights into my thoughts, you find nuggets that will bless your life, and encourage you in some way... that is my heart, I want to be a builder up, not a puller down in your life and I consider it a privileged when you choose to read the pondering's of my heart.