Monday, May 6, 2013

My Heart is Broken but God is Here

Sleep isn't coming tonight, go figure... My heart is broken, the man I have loved since high school has gone to be with the Lord. It's May 4th. Not the ending we prayed for, not the ending we hoped for, and not the ending we expected, and not the one I was prepared for... but that doesn't change the goodness of God.

People have looked at me this year and said how strong I  was, I wasn't... God was, and is, and with Him, I know I will make it through to the next chapter in my life. God has given me an amazing circle of friends and family that will help me along until I can walk on my own.

Glenn arrived into my life on a summer afternoon, he showed up with a good friend of mine and her boyfriend. My parents weren't home so having people, especially guys there was a major no, no. LOL, but rather than ground me, my parents saw an opportunity, since we were in the yard they really weren't mad but  they said if the guys unloaded the truck of furniture that they had brought home from my Aunt's then I wouldn't get grounded, well they did... and on it was my hope chest. In the years since I said that Glenn arrived with my hope chest so we were destined.

Destined is not what many of our friends thought we were, lol. We were the odd couple, I was the little girl that lived in "Leave It To Beaver" land and he was a rock and roll, party boy drummer. Many of our friends didn't give us a decent chance at making it for the long haul... we we did pretty good, over 31 years, living up to the vows, until death us did part... again, my heart is shattered.

I have been married to a Godly, loving, gentle and amazing man. We really didn't fight much and we always found a way to laugh or at least smile, even to this morning. I don't know at this point what to do without him, I don't know how to be a grown-up without him, I miss him already. What I do know is that God can mend a broken heart, I don't know how long it will take but I know that the Lord has all those fragments firmly in His hand, and He knows just how to fit them together so that I will be okay.

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It's Monday now, another day past. In spite of how little sleep and the events of Saturday, Sunday was a good day. I went to church- where else would I be. Emotions kept in check, somewhat due to exhaustion... weird kinda the opposite of my usual when tired. Our church family is amazing, from the moment I arrived I was enveloped by people expressing their love and also their own sense of heartbreak at Glenn's departure. Service was awesome, and the words of the sermon ended up paying a wonderful tribute to Glenn. - as I type, the words are beginning to blur, from the tears in my eyes.

Clear again- I came home from church, did some menial tasks, curled up in Glenn's recliner, turned on a movie and slept, 2 hours, twice as long as the night before... then back to church for a special evening service. I am thankful to the Lord's timing of things. Because of the timing I was able to keep my focus where I needed for much of the time, grieving- absolutely! But in a place where I could see and feel God's touch fully on me.

At home both in the afternoon and once again at night, I look at my facebook page, I am reminded that there are so many who loved Glenn, love me and care for my family. They are from all over, both near and far; family; close friends and some who though I don't know as well, I feel their encouragement.

Another show of God's timing and a reminder that Glenn's legacy of living a life before the Lord, is the fact that our son and his wonderful Whitney are going to have their son very soon, Whitney was being induced last night, and Glenn's namesake Asher Glenn Smith will soon arrive... His name alone means "Joyful Blessings."

I looked around me Sunday, all of my children and their families at service with me, 3 in person and 1 via livestream. Right where Glenn would want us all to be, doing what he would want us to do, go to the house of the Lord and Worshipping Him, looking forward to what God has for us to come.

Yes, my heart is broken into what feels like a million pieces, but I know already God has begun to put it back together one piece at a time, with the gentle touch of the Master's Hand, it will eventually heal, a part of it may always be missing, but it's only until we see one another again in heaven.

For now, it is one day at a time, still doing what has become my mantra.... Pressing, Praying, Trusting and Believing!!

Thank you to each of you that has walked with us, and continue to walk with me... in this area, my heart is full! I love you all.

The sermon "Shield's of the Mighty" with Pastor Danny Bonilla


  1. So eloquent dear Mary.
    Your grief is clear, but clearer still is the Faith in the One Who created you; the One is always near, always ready to hear and holds us forever.
    "The Eternal GOD is your refuge and underneath are the Everlasting Arms" Deuteronomy 33:27a
    {{hugs}} ♥♥ ~C.

  2. mary, your journey is one of faith and love. May God surround you and uphold you. May he fill you with his love and encourage your heart with his presence.
    God bless you in your sorrow.